Most days during the spring and summer months I ride my bike to and from work each day, instead of driving my car. According to this calculator, assuming a savings of 1000 miles per year, that’s 0.305 tons of carbon I’m not spewing into the atmosphere. Sure, I can pay $15 and buy a plenary indulgence—I mean—carbon offset to counter that much carbon emission, but where’s the fun in that? By making the sacrifice myself instead of outsourcing it like some filthy capitalist pig, I can now don the hair shirt of environmental responsibility, with all the smug condescension and pompous bullshit to which I am now entitled.

In the spirit of pompous bullshit, for a limited time you can ease your troubled climatic conscience by paying me to NOT fuck up the Earth. It’s easy.