Most days during the spring and summer months I ride my bike to and from work each day, instead of driving my car. According to this calculator, assuming a savings of 1000 miles per year, that’s 0.305 tons of carbon I’m not spewing into the atmosphere. Sure, I can pay $15 and buy a plenary indulgence—I mean—carbon offset to counter that much carbon emission, but where’s the fun in that? By making the sacrifice myself instead of outsourcing it like some filthy capitalist pig, I can now don the hair shirt of environmental responsibility, with all the smug condescension and pompous bullshit to which I am now entitled.

In the spirit of pompous bullshit, for a limited time you can ease your troubled climatic conscience by paying me to NOT fuck up the Earth. It’s easy.

In Part I, we learned of the heroic work our brothers in ICE are doing to protect the homeland from terrorist mod chips. In this installment, we’ll explore the consequences when a large, powerful central government criminalizes law-abiding moviegoers at the behest of an entertainment industry stuck in the past.