Lately I’ve been lurking in the major online gun forums, like TFL, THR, arfcom, etc. As with any activity involving more than one person, there’s a diverse mix of nut-jobs, fuckwits, curmudgeons, trolls, assholes, and the odd decent human being now and again.

A recurring meme on these forums is the hypothetical tactical scenario, which follows this pattern:

Fuckwit666: Say I’m with my girlfriend at a Chechen Tiki Bar two weeks after TEOTWAWKI (That’s ‘the end of the world as we know it’, which is like SHTF (Shit Hits the Fan), only much much worse), and we’ve already taken out a few low-level roving BGs (Bad Guys, that is) with a combination of precision rifle fire and spin kicks to the balls. I order the Chicken Kiev Slushie, and sit down, facing the door and inches away from the shotgun I stashed at the bar before SHTF. A zombie, two midgets, and a mime walk in the front door, and since I’m in Orange my OODA-loop is tight and I detect trouble instantly. Then, without warning, my girlfriend notices six more midgets and a 300lb clown on a unicycle, all armed with M-4s, coming at us from the kitchen. I’m immediately in Red. What’s the right response in this scenario? Can I light up the zombie, first two midgets, and mime with my AR-15 pistol while the GF takes on the six midgets and clown with her M1A, or should I set my Chicken Kiev on fire and use it as a diversion to bug out?

Pedant45: When SHTF, I’m bugging in at my secure compound with roving patrols and overlapping fields of rifle fire. WTF are you doing outside?

Hatr99: That’s easy kick the clown in the balls the M4 sucks and will jam anyway

Glocktard123: I’m wearing Level IV body armor so let the fuckers shoot me. I’ll mow em down w/ my double-fisted Glock .45s hahaha

CopForReal: im a cop and im telling you if you shoot the mime ill arrest your ass

Cluebat_tx: Fuck you copforreal its SHTF its a different mindset

ArrogantPrick: Glocktard, IV armor won’t protect you against M855 AP and they have M4s so u r 0wnd

wtf27: dude ur grl has an ak thats so hot post pics!!

idiot#2: yeah lets em

moronlabe: wtf27 ur a fucking idiot his grl has an m1a not an ak go back to preschool

slightly_normal: um I’m so tired of these bullshit tactical scenarios. if SHTF the zombies will eat the midgets they wont form organized gangs together god your a retard!

hurtmeplenty: d00d, chechen tiki sucks!

8yrsold: unicycles are gay

nitpicr: is your AR pistol a bushy or the old oly ones? I have a bushy and love it i want one in 9mm but no money haha

oldfart: all this tacti-cool high speed low drag mall ninja crap pisses me off. after SHTF, i’ll have my steel shovel. you can carry it anywhere and its handy in a fight. when I smack you in the grape your fancy tacticool shit wont mean nothing

gayrambo: any mime fucks with me i shoot in the face

sksman: whats with the kalashnikrap? I got my sks for $6 at a garage sale, 2 billion rounds through it never failed.

wanna be: SHTF ill have my tactical team outside in the van. at the first sign of trouble they come in and light up everything.

falsonly: dump that bitch and find a girl with a FAL

The threads will go on and on, digressing to focus on irrelevant and subjective arguments like whether carrying a 9mm pistol makes you gay, or how many headshots it will take to kill a zombie if it’s high on PCP. Other digressions will evolve into flame wars, as trolls mix it up with gullible and painfully inarticulate mall ninjas. As the smoke clears and the few relevant posts emerge (if any response to a post about a coordinated zombie/midget/mime/clown assault can be considered relevant) a consensus will form the following conclusions:

• It really depends on a number of variables
• You should carry what you’re comfortable with and can shoot well
• Only you can make the moral and ethical decision to take a (zombie) life
• Kalifornia sucks

Thus, the only value in following these threads is the same value derived from reading YouTube video comments or watching reality television: the perverse satisfaction one gets from continuous exposure to those far more fucked up than oneself.