Most days during the spring and summer months I ride my bike to and from work each day, instead of driving my car. According to this calculator, assuming a savings of 1000 miles per year, that’s 0.305 tons of carbon I’m not spewing into the atmosphere. Sure, I can pay $15 and buy a plenary indulgence—I mean—carbon offset to counter that much carbon emission, but where’s the fun in that? By making the sacrifice myself instead of outsourcing it like some filthy capitalist pig, I can now don the hair shirt of environmental responsibility, with all the smug condescension and pompous bullshit to which I am now entitled.

In the spirit of pompous bullshit, for a limited time you can ease your troubled climatic conscience by paying me to NOT fuck up the Earth. It’s easy. Let’s say you keep driving your not-so-fuel-efficient car around with the improperly-inflated tires and el-cheapo 87 octane gas like some sort of lazy fascist eco-fucktard. You keep meaning to get around to shaping up, but American Idol and YouTube keep distracting you. Rather than suffering the inhuman guilt of your selfish procrastination, you can now buy a few ton’s worth of official apocryph.org carbon offsets equivalent to the damage your privileged life inflicts upon Gaia the Earth Mother. In return for your trifle of change, I will refrain from a variety of planet-killing activities.

For $10, I will not burn enough tires to belch 0.2 tons of carbon into our human habitat.

For $20, I won’t make 0.5 tons of carbon from a bonfire of discarded Chinese toys and old gasoline.

For $50, I won’t slash-and-burn acres of Amazon rain forest to make room for my private cute-little-bunnies-with-broken-legs canned hunting preserve, sparing our planet 2.0 tons of carbon death.

For $100, I will refrain from staging a machine-gun shoot into a tributary of the Potomac with enough .50 cal lead to make a Chinese toy maker cry, which doesn’t actually have anything to do with carbon but is nonetheless very very bad.

For what amounts to just pennies a day, you can banish the nagging guilt of a life lived for want of nothing, and regard your equally-apathetic friends with righteous Algorian contempt. In recognition of your contribution, you will receive a Certificate of Ecological Superiority suitable for framing in one of the many empty air-conditioned rooms in your sprawling suburban dwelling. For a very limited time, if you buy all four offset options you’ll receive the much-coveted “What have YOU done to not fuck up the Earth today?” t-shirt to let everyone know you’re part of the solution, or at least slightly less of the problem.

Now, obligatory green, airy stock photo:

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