When I die…
Not surprisingly, being here in my old home town of Colorado Springs to bury my grandfather has me thinking about my own death. The drama associated with my grandfather’s funeral has prompted me to put together this list of things that I want to be different when I die:
- All the arrangements will be per my instructions in advance. If I fail to account for anything, no one in my family will have the power to make the decision. Instead, it will fall to the funeral director. In this way, drama associated with various family members attempting to speak for what I would want will be eliminated, as none of them will have any say.
- I will be buried in a coffin. Whichever one is on sale. I don’t want a casket. If I really thought my burial arrangements impacted my afterlife, I’d be buried in a pyramid. I’m not a pagan, therefore I don’t think that way, therefore I just need a cheap box.
- At my funeral, a doorman will be hired to enforce a strict dress code. Black or dark blue suits for the men, black outfits for the women. Hot women should pick something flattering. Boots are acceptable, but pants must be worn over boots. If you want to show off the full length of your boots, wear a tasteful skirt. Perfume and cologne are strictly forbidden.
- If my family really want photos of my funeral (which seems odd), my estate will hire a funeral photographer. Personal photography will not be permitted.
- My remains will be transported around in a hearse. The death industry calls it a “funeral carriage”. I don’t want a funeral carriage. I want a hearse.
- The funeral director will be forbidden from using all their stupid euphemisms. I haven’t passed; I’m dead. I’m not being interred; I’m being buried. I’m not buried in a memorial garden; I’m in a cemetery. My body isn’t prepared in a death care facility; it’s in a funeral home.
- I will NOT be buried in a tie. 5.11′s and an UnderArmour T-shirt should be fine. Maybe a fleece since it’s probably cold in the grave. I hated wearing suits in life; why the hell would I want my earthly remains stuck in one in death?
- Organs can be donated (hell, I’m not using them), however the funeral home is not permitted to take any bits of me for profit. If my bones, tendons, ligaments, fluids, or whatever have value, by all means sell them, but the proceeds go to my estate.
- My funeral and burial will not be at the whim of a bureaucrat. I won’t have the time allotted for eulogizing, memorializing, and burying me be dictated by some faceless functionary. If this means illegally burying me in a field on a nice plot of land, use money from my estate to bribe the funeral director and make it happen. In fact, the death industry is absurdly regulated; in death I’d like to break as many of those regulations as possible (within reason; I’d rather my remains not be left in the sun for a few days, for example).
- None of the funeral events may take place before noon. At least one should not end until after dark. I always hated getting up early.
- My grandfather had a somber funeral Mass to officially send him on to Paradise, then an unofficial memorial party afterwards. I liked how that went, so I’d like the same thing. The booze will be Jack Daniels; the food will be donuts, KFC, pizza, and ice cream. Both will be free.
- It would be cool if my remains were present during the memorial party. It’s my party, after all.
- The Mass should be quiet, solemn, and sad. The party should be the opposite. It should be well-lit, warm, with good music. If anyone feels like they’re in an elevator, you’re doing it wrong.
- If I don’t know any hot women well enough to get them to go to my funeral, hire some instead.
- My obituary will be written by someone at least as literate as I am. If Neil Stephenson is available, have him do it. Otherwise try for Terry Pratchet. Failing that, whoever writes it should read a bunch of both of those writers before composing the obit. If it’s not funny in a dry, parodic sort of way, you’re doing it wrong.
- In the unlikely event I die notable enough to warrant government attention, no government officials may participate in or capitalize upon my death. If my death inspires an “Adam’s Law” and that law involves anything other than disbanding the Department of Education or lifting the bullshit restrictions on ephedrine, I will have my revenge.
- My headstone should incorporate an appropriate R.A Heinlein quote.
- In lieu of flowers, please send money and guns.
Grandpa’s Obituary
Grandpa’s obituary is posted here for the next 30 days. Here’s the full text:
Col. Robert H. Damico was born on April 3, 1920 to Catherine and Jacob Damico as one of 11 children in Syracuse, New York. Bob joined the Army Air Corps as an Air Cadet at Fordham University in 1942. After earning his wings he was assigned to the 373rd fighter group in the 9th Air Force in England, flying the P-47 Thunderbolt. In 1944, Bob’s P-47 was hit over Germany and was unable to make it back to England. The radio controller, Don Porter, guided Bob to an airstrip in Belgium, saving Bob’s life and igniting a life-long friendship. Serving two tours of duty in the European theater of World War II, Bob’s squadron followed Patton’s army through France into Germany. For his wartime service, Col. Damico was highly decorated: Legion of Merit, Distinguished Flying Cross, the Bronze Star, Air Medal, Joint Services Commendation, Air Force Outstanding Unit, National Defense Service Medal, the French and Belgium Croix de Guerre, the Belgium National Order of Leopold and others. Following World War II, Bob and Don Porter reunited in their hometown of Syracuse where Bob met Don’s younger sister, Lucille. Bob and Lucille dated and were wed April 30, 1949. In Syracuse, Bob was Air Advisor and Commander to the Syracuse Air National Guard. In 1953, Bob, Lucille and their three children moved to Europe, where Bob served as Chief of Stan/Eval USAFE (United States Air Force Europe) flying F-84 jets. Following 4 years in Europe, Bob was assigned as an F-86 squadron commander at Hanscom Field in Massachusetts, where he earned the nickname “the Whip” for his disciplined leadership style. After two years in California, Bob, Lucille, and their 8 children moved to Tokyo Japan, where Bob was Chief of Staff of the Military Advisory Assistance Group (MAAG). Bob became the first American fighter pilot to complete the Japanese F-104 training, earning him an ‘Honorary Samurai’ designation. Returning to the USA in 1966, Bob was responsible for computer systems at NORAD in Colorado Springs, CO. In 1970 Col. Damico was offered an opportunity for generalship at the Pentagon. He gave up the opportunity, and his career in the Air Force, so that his family could be together in Colorado, where he retired in 1972 after 30 years of service. Col. Damico was fiercely devoted to his wife Lucille and their eight children, Rob, Jamie, Mike, Lucienne, Lauri, Catherine, Steve and Tina, and he delighted in the birth of each of 20 grandchildren and of 4 great grandchildren. The military lifestyle took the family to many locations around the world. It was vital to him that the children, in their cultural im mersions, became familiar with the customs and languages of the communities in which they lived. After retirement, Col. Damico pursued other interests. He received an associate’s degree in auto mechanics from Pikes Peak Community College and became the family’s personal auto mechanic. He also became a professional fly fisherman teaching fly fishing and providing tours on trout filled streams in Montana, Wyoming, Alaska and Colorado. He also was a contributing author for several fly fishing publications and was very committed to stream and fish conservation and the science of entomology. He was gracious and appreciative of the time and commitment his children and wife offered him, especially in his last months of life. This was a precious time for the family to be present with him and to hear of the deep experiences that he felt were important life lessons for his children. He continually shared that there was nothing more important than family and he relished the care and love that his family offered. He was comforted in the knowledge that his life had meaning and that he would be welcomed by family and friends who went before him. His devotion to God and to his enduring faith brought peace and comfort throughout his life’s journey. Funeral Mass will be held at Saint Mary’s Cathedral, 22 West Kiowa St. in Colorado Springs on Thursday, January 15, 2009 at 10:00 am. Burial services will be at Fort Logan National Cemetery in Denver, Colorado on Friday, January 16, 2009 at 11:00 am. In lieu of flowers donations may be made in memory of Col. Robert Damico to Cross International at www.crossinternational.org
The original version printed in the Gazette had numerious factual, grammatical, and structural problems. In this as in all things, attention to detail is important.
Col. Robert H. Damico, USAF (RET) – RIP
Yesterday, Sunday 11 January 2009, my grandfather, Colonel Robert H. Damico, died.
Between his birth on 4-April 1920 and his death, he fought heroically in WWII as a fighter pilot in the European theater, led a long and successful career in the US Air Force, had eight (8!) children, nearly two dozen grandchildren, and a handful of great grandchildren. Somewhere in there he had a significant impact on my life.
My paternal grandfather died when I was young, so Grandpa Damico is the only grandfather I had for most of my life. He was a frequent fixture of my early years when we lived close by and came to visit frequently. He taught me how to shoot, how to reload ammo, and how to fish. I would stay at his house for days at a time on vacation, hanging out, going shooting, helping him around the house, or helping him use his computer. He gave me my first gun, my first “grown up” folding knife (a Buck folder that I carried on my belt for years), and in his death he left me a Walther P38 pistol brought back from the war, which he and I found when cleaning out some of his old boxes.
Until recently he seemed ageless, changing hardly at all throughout my life. Even as he declined, he kept the mischievous sense of humor I’ve always associated with him. His sarcasm and contrarian nature, though maddening at times, were perfectly suited to him.
He had no fear of dying, nor did he have anything to fear from death. He was a vigorous apologist for Catholicism, and a pious man. I’ve no doubt he has begun the eternal life in which he so strongly believed, and I know I’ll see him again some years down the road.
I love you Grandpa, and I miss you.
Windows 7 Almost Fixes Windows Video
I just installed the new Windows 7 Beta (build 7000) on my HTPC this afternoon. I was intrigued by the early reports of improved performance and stability over Vista, and I figured, what the hell, it can’t be worse than Vista.
The install was a breeze, and Windows update even picked up a pre-release update for my Radeon HD 3200 graphics board (ATI haven’t released Catalyst for Windows 7 yet, sadly). After playing around with the new task bar cum launcher, and shaking a window to hide all other windows, I immediately tried to play one of my HD h.264 movies. You see, one of the big features in Windows 7 is out-of-the-box support for the most popular video formats, supposedly ending the hassle of hunting down and tweaking various codecs until video starts to work. Both I and others have complained about the sorry state of video codec affairs under Windows XP and Vista, so the bar was pretty low.
Sadly, I was disappointed. Yes, W7 supports DivX, and H.264 (and with DXVA hardware-accelerated playback no less). However, I can only assume the MS team responsible for video under Windows has never worked with HD video apart from Blu-Ray discs, because if they had they would know H.264 support is pretty damn near useless without support for the Matroska (.MKV) container format.
Since Windows 7 does not support MKV, you still have to install the Haali splitter to extract video and auto streams from MKV files, which means you’re back to using DirectShow instead of Media Foundation, which means you need to hunt down various and incompatible codecs, which means you’re in the same damn boat you were in before. Way to go, Microsoft.
Don’t get me wrong. Based on a very cursor experience with Windows 7 it’s clearly what Vista should have been, and I look forward to future betas and the RTM. I’m switching my dev laptop from Vista Ultimate to Windows 7 this weekend, and it’ll take a pretty severe incompatibility or instability problem to get me to go back. However, Microsoft has (up to this point) failed to make good on their promise to build proper video support into Windows.